VBA2C Internal Conflict As the End is Near.

I am 36 weeks tomorrow. In my my mind thus begins the 'waiting game'. I already have all the prodromal signs of labour. I have had them for weeks. So I'm not expecting anything to alert me that my body is gearing up for labour. Actually I've never gone into labour on my own. With my first I had the cocktail and labour tea which brought on early labour. I never got into the active labour part according to dilation (3cm was all I 'achieved'). With my second I had an NST and an emergency c-section so no actual labour. I have no idea if my cervix remembers anything. It seems as if my body likes to stay pregnant. Or maybe it's just that the baby has control over labour and neither one felt safe triggering it due to their cord issues. If this is the case I'm scared to induce even when overdue. To me overdue means something is wrong. But..... then I will worry that my fears will prevent labour. It's a vicious cycle. I feel a desire to start things in motion such as EPO, acupuncture, sex etc to see if I can prep my body. Yet I feel like I shouldn't try to force or push anything into motion. I'm so conflicted.

Things are different with this baby. I have a different birth team. A different midwife (I loved my previous one), a very experienced doula, and a more supportive husband (same guy just better relationship). I am a stronger person. I know I am capable of overcoming obstacles. I completed 2 years of my masters education while working 3/4 time with two small children. No small feat I tell you. I learned to run. I trained and finished a major fitness event (Tough Mudder). I am proud of myself and who I am both as a mother and as a woman. I just want this one thing, this vaginal birth, to feel healed and complete. Yet, I am scared to hope it will happen only to be disappointed, yet again. Two failed homebirths will do that to a girl I suppose. I hate that term 'failed homebirth'. I didn't even get to try with my second. I am hoping that the differences with my support team, with me, with my birth location, with my body will help me get a different outcome, but scared to hope. Again conflicted.

I am letting myself feel this fear trying to process. Yet I am taking steps to overcome/accept it. I am going to do a fear release hypnosis session with my doula. I am also going to go to the L&D ward to sit and process. My first reaction when my doula suggested this trip was an immediate "No! I don't need that!" Yet after some reflection I think I do. I think my reaction is just my conscious mind saying that it really doesn't want to go back there. I need to deal with whatever is going to crop up going there. It feels a little silly since I work in the same hospital, have gone there to meet babies of friends and family. However this was all in a different capacity. I was safe in those instances, not wearing the labouring or pregnant mother hat. This time I will be vulnerable. I despise feeling vulnerable. That's why I wanted the homebirths before. I wanted the control over my environment and people involved in my birth. That's not an option this time so I am preparing and trying to eliminate as many possible conflicts as I can with this hospital birth.

Part of that process is packing for the hospital. I am going to pack my bags this weekend. This will require me to imagine what will happen and what I will need. The crib is going up today. The carseat is in the car. Once I put the bags in the car we have the essentials ready. One more week of work and then I need to find a new distraction from the waiting game. Any suggestions?

Getting Over Birth Trauma

I had a coworker unsuspectingly say something that made me cringe. She said "I just don't get women who get all worked up over having a c-section. Isn't the outcome supposed to be a healthy baby and a healthy mom?" Since I have realized that I found my cesarean births very traumatic and have recently given myself permission to feel sad and angry at my loss of a natural and empowered birth I wanted to contradict her. But I didn't…. Perhaps because we were at a table with several others, perhaps because of the stigma around feeling bad about having a healthy baby. I am still not quite sure. Yes I feel traumatized by my births. I was not expecting to be giving birth again so I thought it really did not matter if I got over it. Well here we go again. I'm not going to 'get over it'. I'm going to embrace the trauma and the fear and do it anyway. Isn't that what bravery is?

I completed the Tough Mudder this summer and this was all about overcoming fears. What's the correlation? I figure if I can run 13 miles, jump in ice baths, dive off 15 foot planks, walk through fire, and face electrocution I can embrace another cesarean if that is what the universe hands me or a vaginal birth which may be equally as traumatizing. Another cesarean is terrifying for certain known reasons. A vaginal birth is terrifying and exciting for completely unknown reasons.

Let me tell you if you have never had a c-section the recovery is akin to having major abdominal surgery. It is major abdominal surgery with all the risks and recovery. You have to cough or laugh with a pillow to your belly or feel like your guts are going to explode all over the room. You can't lift anything more than 10lbs. This means your baby + carseat is a no go. If they trap air inside you like they did to me you feel like a hot poker is being stabbed out of your shoulder and NOTHING relieves it. Anything pushing or touching the incision is aggravating and painful this includes underwear and pants. Stairs like the ones to the laundry room or your baby's room are excruciating. One tip is walking up backwards. Someone please let me know how one does that safely? with an infant? Please don't make light of this if you or anyone you know has a cesarean. They've had major abdominal surgery, plus a tiny human to care for, if not many tiny humans.

There's also a huge emotional component to having a surgical birth. Everyone feels and reacts differently and this often depends on the circumstances surrounding the birth. Women can feel like birth has been stolen from them. They can have trouble bonding with their infants because they feel like they did not 'birth' that baby. I myself felt shafted by the universe. My second birth I was tied to the table crying my eyes out because I didn't get to try. I think both times the part that hurt me the most was the nursing/medical staff that were supposed to care for me through this process. I am a nurse. I strive every day to ensure that my patients never leave me feeling like I felt during both births. I was hugely disappointed in the team that I am supposed to work for.

So here we go again. What can I control? Not much... However, I can control my reactions and my outlook on this process. No homebirth preparation this time. I pack a bag fully prepared for both a c-section and a vaginal. I may ask for some things outside of the norm such as breastfeeding in the OR and delayed cord clamping. If I get told no I will not despair I will write action letters to the executive leads of maternity services. I am a STRONG person full of grit and determination. I can overcome fear. I can even enjoy myself while scared. I will prepare mentally, physically and emotionally for the birth of my daughter however it may come about. Everything is different this time. Not necessarily better but different. New midwife, new doula, planned hospital vbac instead of hbac, and me.... I have learned to step up and ask for what I want and need and to surrender to the experience when necessary. This is HUGE!