Motherhood vs. Career: An Epic Battle

I got some news yesterday that really upset me. It shook me to the core. The news was about a possibility of a job. No one died. No one has cancer. Why was I so upset? The job opportunity is a clinical informatics role in chronic disease management. It's the role that I have been told I would be perfect for, for the last 2 years. It merges both my loves the clinical and the technical world. Sounds perfect right? Sure… Except, it is being posted next month. What else is happening in a month? Oh right! We're having a baby. So this means applications would be due right around when I am giving birth. Interviews due when I am about 2 weeks postpartum and still bleeding, raw, emotional and leaking milk. Nothing makes a women more confident in front of an interview panel like wearing crotch and breast pads, am I right? Then, there's the logistics. It's a union excluded job with no job security and no guarantee it will continue to be funded AND it starts right away. Family and friends say apply if it is what I want and they will support me. If it was as simple as that I would. However the logistics while part of the problem are not the real issue at hand. It comes down to question of whether or not I can have both: career and kids.

In reality if I am being honest with myself the reason I am so upset is the realization that I do have to choose between my family and a demanding career. If I was to get the job choosing either way inevitably means sacrifice. This wouldn't be a regular staff nurse job where I can go home at the end of the day and be done. Work would come home. I know this because I know the work environment and the demands of the job. I also know that the first 2 years of a child's life while magical are truly exhausting for all involved. I guess what I was experiencing was grief over the career I thought I would have at this stage in the game when I embarked on this journey of a double master's. I was a sobbing bawling mess yesterday with the news. I was railing at the Universe and It's shitty timing last night.

You know what snapped me out of it? My child screaming in fear and pain. She got knocked over by the dog and smashed her ear on the concrete step. I didn't see it but I could hear the pain and terror in her shriek and the panic in my husband's voice. In that instant I was over it. Even after she was fixed up and in bed I was over the grief stricken sobbing. I've already made my choice. My career will come... later. I need to learn to be content in the now. This last pregnancy, this last baby will not happen again. Jobs will come and go. This is not to say that I won't work out of the home. I need to do that to feel settled. I just can't take on an all consuming position that may or may not exist in a year and give up the time with this baby. I still feel a little tug of shame like somehow I am not good enough if I don't apply. I still feel a slight internal war between desire for the satisfaction I get from my job and my little ones. I think this will ease. The nerves are still raw from grief.

The Balancing Act

It's been a while, almost 2 years since I wrote a blog post. Life has been busy. I am a graduate student taking a double degree in nursing and informatics. My husband had a car accident 2 months ago that injured him. My mom moved in and then moved out. My brother got married. My grandmother in law passed away. Yeah life's been moving at a fairly fast clip. I feel like I need to slow down. I am only taking one course with a full time coop this semester. That means 3 courses next semester though.

My boss in the computer world wants to know what my future plans are and if I plan on continuing to do a couple shifts a week there. The thing is I can't afford to. I like the experience and the people but the money isn't enough. Working Monday to Friday when you are used to the shift work and having weekdays off to catch up is quite the adjustment. I am not adjusted yet. I am wondering if I made the right choice. It is a mental challenge but there's a huge risk of failure which puts me on edge all. the. time. I thought perhaps I was striving for management or an executive lead position out of these degrees. Now I am thinking that the kind of lifestyle that brings with it. The late nights, early mornings and weekend work are not what I want at this point in my life. I am not cut out to be the stay at home mom but am I cut out to be the Executive mom who never makes it to her kids events because work is always in the way? I doubt it. Is there a middle ground? Can I have my career and be a present parent too?

As for the kids D is turning 4 this month. She is turning into a very emotionally insightful little girl, even if that means that she cries a. lot. She likes to dance and sing. She hates to compete unless she knows she can win (and then she gloats). Stress overloads her to the point of bursting at the seams. She is a clumsy sort and falls down standing still on a straight surface. She is loving. This morning I am home sick and I sent the kids to school and daycare. D had tears in her eyes and she snuggled her blankie and told me she would miss me. I could feel my heart tearing in two. I wanted to keep her home but knew I would get no rest then. Sigh... was I being selfish?

M is 6 and in grade one. He now reads and sings in both French and English. His logical, analytical, rule following brain helps him do really well in school. So well in fact that he is 'helping' another student who is doing less well in school. However the teacher mentioned that he would be 'helping' and they would get lunch treats on Fridays in their 'meetings'. The way that M explains it is that he has to remind this other child not to talk to much. It sounds like he is being rewarded for being a nag and a tattle which can't be making him very popular with the other kids. I really don't agree with this but I'm not sure if it harmful enough that I should request that it stop. I cannot picture what kind of fall out that would have.

This parenting thing is hard. Which is part of the reason I decided to not have any more kids. I made the decision on my own without my husband who had been on the fence about this for a long time. I always thought we would have one more. But the thought of a baby at this point in my life makes me want to cringe. There are all kinds of factors like money, time, career aspirations, personal fitness goals that impacted my decision. I always thought I would just 'know' that I was done but I think I needed to feel good about me and where I am at before I could close that door. So it's closed, but not locked for a year as husband wants to wait that amount of time before making it permanent if you know what I mean ; )