Ignoring My Children

I recently read this article on the Benefits of Ignoring Children (Sometimes) over at MDC. I agree with the majority of what this mama writes. My husband's new boss has commented to him that we are raising independent children that can problem solve on their own. She thinks this is rare in this day and age because of all the things we give our kids and the safety nets we have set up. I had to reflect on this a bit. Do I want independent children? After all, I loosely follow an attachment parenting philosophy does this go against what I believe? Am I doing this intentionally or is this just because I am a selfish person? I've written on the topic of independence and AP before here in response to another article. So you all know that I don't think it's an either/or. I guess I agree more with this mama than the other because she does not feel that meeting an infants needs is akin to making an older child dependent on you for every little thing. 

The article talks about the guilt mother's feel when they take time for themselves. I thought I had written a post on losing the mommy guilt but it must have been an intention I never fulfilled because I cannot find it. I have felt this guilt when I have decided to go to the gym or take an extra shift. I have felt it when I happily go off to work and send them off to daycare. I've often wondered why H never feels this guilt? I guess he does, just in a different way. He probably wouldn't label it as guilt. But he often needs permission to go off and do something not family related on the weekend because he feels obligated to spend time with us. Not that he doesn't enjoy being home but he, just like me, needs time to pursue hobbies and self interests. I'm thankful he is so dedicated to his family so that we can work together to balance meeting our own needs outside of the family. I do feel more guilt meeting my needs and ignoring the children when he is home. This often feels like I am abandoning him. I'm not. I always keep an ear out for chaos and true needs. But it may look this way if I go take a bath or read a book in another room while he is in the room with the children. I feel the guilt most keenly when I have company or family over and they are doing their own thing because the children are not their responsibility. I feel like I can't ignore the kids because then that causes them to gravitate to the next adult who likely feels obligated to respond. I guess I need a sign that says 'Feel free to ignore my kids. They like it.'

I think boredom and free play are important for adults and children. I believe that it is integrally important for my kids to see me pursuing activities and satisfying needs that don't involve them. Which means that I cannot satisfy their every need or I would be perpetually drained. That is why the first year of a child's life is so exhausting for me. I do need to meet their every need. I get that and I'm good with it. But I must admit that when they gain some independence I enjoy parenting more. I love my babies. I do not love the baby stage. 

So yes, I ignore my children purposefully on a regular basis. I ignore their requests, pleas, whines, or cries. Even if they are being completely polite and well behaved I will still usually ignore them. Don't get me wrong, I really like that they are polite but I still would like them to try and figure it out by themselves first before coming to me. This is not to say that we don't help each in this house, we do. However, I realize that one of my top values and wishes for my children is self-sufficiency. So my parenting approach as they get older is 'Yes I love you. Go figure it out.' followed by 'Try it again a different way' and finally 'Ok now I can give you some help'. It's all age appropriate of course. I do not let the 5 year old manage the stove or the sharp knives by herself. This is what works for me as a parent and my sanity. I think it's working for my kids. They don't seem too messed up ;)

Attachment Parenting and Indepence is it an either/or?

I was recently reading this article why-my-kids-are-not-center-of-my-world on what modern parenting is doing to harm our kids and why they will not be able to function in the world because parents dote on their children and take away the realities of the world. I agree with encouraging children to problem solve, deal with ambiguity, deal with violence and hurt feelings. So in principle I agree with a lot of what this mother is saying. I would also say that although I would lay down my life for them my children are not the center of my world and I do not dote on them.
However I do take issue with one of the comments on the post that attachment parenting as a modern parenting mindset prevents independence and the ability to self soothe. What do babies being comforted and having their needs met have to do with learning to deal with the realities of the world? Is this person saying that if you meet your babies needs that later in life this adult will not be able to function in society without handholding? That's quite the slippery slope. I am of the opinion that there are different stages in a child's life and the infancy stage is not the one in which I teach independence. There is plenty of time later in life when the child understands consequences and logic and patience to teach this. I guess it irks me that feels they have the right to judge how independent my child will be based on my parenting preferences.  My children happen to be very independent now able to play and problem solve independently. Both were worn, breastfed, coslept, neither was sleep trained and we responded to their crying. So in theory, although not proven, AP did not affect their independence or ability to problem solve.

Working and Mothering

Right now this is what is churning me up inside. I work shift work fulltime. Which entails 4 twelve hour shifts in a row (thankfully not nights right now). Then I get 5 days off if I do not work any overtime. I see my kids for 10 minutes in the morning rush and for 30 minutes in the evening before bed on my early shifts. On my late shifts I see them for about an hour in the morning but not before bed. The moments before and after my shift are not happy, relaxed, joyful ones. They are filled with tension, irritation and stress. I can't switch my hats off fast enough. It's like the working one is glued to my head and the mama one is just out of reach. My toddler is glued to me and screams if I leave the room. My preschooler pesters and annoys because he can't get in for a snuggle or his sister will scratch his eyes out. Some mornings both cry as I head off to work.

So why don't I stay home? I've debated this. Our income would be halved but we could do it with some changes. I've searched inside and out and I just cannot come to terms with being a stay at home mom. I loved my maternity leave but while I was on it I longed for something else. Something else to occupy my brain other than diapers, laundry, cooking, baking, education, playing, gardening and whatever else. I was so wrapped up in the kids and the house. I felt guilty if I took any time for myself. So I guess work is time for myself that's less guilt ridden. I can convince myself that I NEED to be there. That my family NEEDS me to be there and be happy with the time for myself among adults. Yet right now I am not satisfied at work. I want to make a change. So it feels like if I'm not happy there I should just be at home with my kids. I don't want them to remember me as this resentful working mama who hates her job and is cranky when she gets home.

I want to go back to school to get my master's degree. However I am afraid of how that will affect my family. I don't want to be stressed over school and always studying and writing and never have any time for them. Yet I want to lead by example to say that you can achieve anything you desire no matter what your circumstances are. Yes this would be easier if I did not have children but I do. That's the path I chose and I can still achieve all my goals but at what cost?

Oh and throw into the mix we want a third child. Where does he or she fit in all my plans?

I feel like no matter what I do some part of me or my family has to be sacrificed. I am yearning for balance and a clear path.