It's been a while, almost 2 years since I wrote a blog post. Life has been busy. I am a graduate student taking a double degree in nursing and informatics. My husband had a car accident 2 months ago that injured him. My mom moved in and then moved out. My brother got married. My grandmother in law passed away. Yeah life's been moving at a fairly fast clip. I feel like I need to slow down. I am only taking one course with a full time coop this semester. That means 3 courses next semester though.
My boss in the computer world wants to know what my future plans are and if I plan on continuing to do a couple shifts a week there. The thing is I can't afford to. I like the experience and the people but the money isn't enough. Working Monday to Friday when you are used to the shift work and having weekdays off to catch up is quite the adjustment. I am not adjusted yet. I am wondering if I made the right choice. It is a mental challenge but there's a huge risk of failure which puts me on edge all. the. time. I thought perhaps I was striving for management or an executive lead position out of these degrees. Now I am thinking that the kind of lifestyle that brings with it. The late nights, early mornings and weekend work are not what I want at this point in my life. I am not cut out to be the stay at home mom but am I cut out to be the Executive mom who never makes it to her kids events because work is always in the way? I doubt it. Is there a middle ground? Can I have my career and be a present parent too?
As for the kids D is turning 4 this month. She is turning into a very emotionally insightful little girl, even if that means that she cries a. lot. She likes to dance and sing. She hates to compete unless she knows she can win (and then she gloats). Stress overloads her to the point of bursting at the seams. She is a clumsy sort and falls down standing still on a straight surface. She is loving. This morning I am home sick and I sent the kids to school and daycare. D had tears in her eyes and she snuggled her blankie and told me she would miss me. I could feel my heart tearing in two. I wanted to keep her home but knew I would get no rest then. Sigh... was I being selfish?
M is 6 and in grade one. He now reads and sings in both French and English. His logical, analytical, rule following brain helps him do really well in school. So well in fact that he is 'helping' another student who is doing less well in school. However the teacher mentioned that he would be 'helping' and they would get lunch treats on Fridays in their 'meetings'. The way that M explains it is that he has to remind this other child not to talk to much. It sounds like he is being rewarded for being a nag and a tattle which can't be making him very popular with the other kids. I really don't agree with this but I'm not sure if it harmful enough that I should request that it stop. I cannot picture what kind of fall out that would have.
This parenting thing is hard. Which is part of the reason I decided to not have any more kids. I made the decision on my own without my husband who had been on the fence about this for a long time. I always thought we would have one more. But the thought of a baby at this point in my life makes me want to cringe. There are all kinds of factors like money, time, career aspirations, personal fitness goals that impacted my decision. I always thought I would just 'know' that I was done but I think I needed to feel good about me and where I am at before I could close that door. So it's closed, but not locked for a year as husband wants to wait that amount of time before making it permanent if you know what I mean ; )