Thursday, March 27, 2014

VBA2C Internal Conflict As the End is Near.

I am 36 weeks tomorrow. In my my mind thus begins the 'waiting game'. I already have all the prodromal signs of labour. I have had them for weeks. So I'm not expecting anything to alert me that my body is gearing up for labour. Actually I've never gone into labour on my own. With my first I had the cocktail and labour tea which brought on early labour. I never got into the active labour part according to dilation (3cm was all I 'achieved'). With my second I had an NST and an emergency c-section so no actual labour. I have no idea if my cervix remembers anything. It seems as if my body likes to stay pregnant. Or maybe it's just that the baby has control over labour and neither one felt safe triggering it due to their cord issues. If this is the case I'm scared to induce even when overdue. To me overdue means something is wrong. But..... then I will worry that my fears will prevent labour. It's a vicious cycle. I feel a desire to start things in motion such as EPO, acupuncture, sex etc to see if I can prep my body. Yet I feel like I shouldn't try to force or push anything into motion. I'm so conflicted.

Things are different with this baby. I have a different birth team. A different midwife (I loved my previous one), a very experienced doula, and a more supportive husband (same guy just better relationship). I am a stronger person. I know I am capable of overcoming obstacles. I completed 2 years of my masters education while working 3/4 time with two small children. No small feat I tell you. I learned to run. I trained and finished a major fitness event (Tough Mudder). I am proud of myself and who I am both as a mother and as a woman. I just want this one thing, this vaginal birth, to feel healed and complete. Yet, I am scared to hope it will happen only to be disappointed, yet again. Two failed homebirths will do that to a girl I suppose. I hate that term 'failed homebirth'. I didn't even get to try with my second. I am hoping that the differences with my support team, with me, with my birth location, with my body will help me get a different outcome, but scared to hope. Again conflicted.

I am letting myself feel this fear trying to process. Yet I am taking steps to overcome/accept it. I am going to do a fear release hypnosis session with my doula. I am also going to go to the L&D ward to sit and process. My first reaction when my doula suggested this trip was an immediate "No! I don't need that!" Yet after some reflection I think I do. I think my reaction is just my conscious mind saying that it really doesn't want to go back there. I need to deal with whatever is going to crop up going there. It feels a little silly since I work in the same hospital, have gone there to meet babies of friends and family. However this was all in a different capacity. I was safe in those instances, not wearing the labouring or pregnant mother hat. This time I will be vulnerable. I despise feeling vulnerable. That's why I wanted the homebirths before. I wanted the control over my environment and people involved in my birth. That's not an option this time so I am preparing and trying to eliminate as many possible conflicts as I can with this hospital birth.

Part of that process is packing for the hospital. I am going to pack my bags this weekend. This will require me to imagine what will happen and what I will need. The crib is going up today. The carseat is in the car. Once I put the bags in the car we have the essentials ready. One more week of work and then I need to find a new distraction from the waiting game. Any suggestions?

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