When you grow up with a mother that braves/suffers from/lives with mental illness you may, like me, question your own mental state at times. Like when I want to kill someone for chewing too loudly or slurping their coffee next to me. Or when I want to jump up and down and scream at my child for not putting his socks on. Yes, I do indeed have scars from my living with a mother that swung from one side of the emotional tipping scale to the other and everything in between (sometimes on the same day). Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and admire her for her many amazing qualities some of which I am sure stem from her illness. Also, those scars obviously make me who I am for that I am grateful because I like who I am. I do however have a deep seeded fear of falling into the uncontrollable emotional abyss of mental illness.
The mood swings in pregnancy heighten this anxiety. This morning I wanted to cry because I NEEDED chicken strips and we had none and it was 9 am so really where I am going to get chicken strips at that hour. Yes I questioned my sanity as I sat feeling completely shattered over my lack of chicken strips. In reality this was not something that needs to be treated or prevents me from functioning. But what about the fact that my house is dirty, not just messy, but dirty. Or the fact that I rarely bake or cook anymore. Or that I am doing the bare minimum to get by in school. Does this signal depression? Or is it normal pregnancy blues? Sometimes I am overcome with contentment and joy but the feeling is fleeting and it rarely leads to motivation. Perhaps it is all linked to my junk food cravings and lack of exercise? I will bring exercise clothes tomorrow and pack my lunch. Can people who are depressed get out of it by making a plan? In my experience usually not so perhaps I am just preggo and moody.