Saturday, November 2, 2013

Pregnant again sigh....

I know in my heart it should be "Pregnant again Yay!" I am having trouble with the Yay part of it all. I don't remember feeling this blase` about my previous pregnancies. This one was unplanned but it is definitely not unwanted. I want this little being. I am just having a difficult time getting excited about getting fat, feeling awful, having a c-section, bleeding for 8 weeks, intense after pains, no sleep until I am pretty much dead etc. I am wondering if I am supposed to analyze this or if I should just let it be. I know I will love this child when it's out free ranging in the world. I know my thoughts and feelings cannot harm this baby. I thought when I started to feel better I would feel excited but I'm still ambivalent. Cranky and ambivalent. I am usually such a go with the flow type person not worrying just accepting that it will all fall into place. However right now I am worried about EVERYTHING: money, school, daycare, space, our vehicle etc. The ONLY thing that is exciting right now is making maternity clothes and that is about not wanting to spend any money and enjoying the challenge. Perhaps I need to add more challenges. I start a new job on the 18th so hopefully that will take my mind off of things until the ultrasound and feeling the baby dance on my bladder. Those should still be exciting right? Even though the heartbeat wasn't? Right?

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